I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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