dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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