You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
