tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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