never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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