I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
