RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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