Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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