Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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