Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
