He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Randomize
