true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
