there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
