When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
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I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
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U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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