I seem to have left my pride at pride
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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