hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
