If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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