He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
