Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
