mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
