he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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