She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
