Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
This is the high leading the old right now
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
