I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
