I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
