whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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