the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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