It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
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He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
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The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
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