There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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