Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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