There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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