I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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