I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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