Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
