"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
