UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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