My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
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It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
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Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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