I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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