I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
