So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
