I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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