you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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