I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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