I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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