I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
