i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
