so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
