I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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