i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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