I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
And then my night got REAL pukey
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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