halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
