some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
