I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
