i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
