I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
